La Nostalgie Heureuse

The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated. And the only thing people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t love enough. Nothing else really counts at all. ~ Ted Hughes

Remains of a Dream

I remember sharply only a detail from that dream, I was sitting with a young child, she was around 6, possibly my niece. I’m helping her peeling shrimps. The shrimps are still alive and they have an unreal, yet beautiful blue color. Almost transparent blue. I find them so pretty I feel bad about the fact the boiling water will turn their translucent and blue flesh bright pink.

Horsing Around at The Club

Several dreams following each other, pretty real and disturbing;

I see pictures X posted on instagram, he’s at R. One video, in which we see H smiling running from the foam that fills the dancing floor. He holds a girl’s hand, her hair covers her face and I can’t tell who she is. I find another photo where they’re sitting next to each other, she’s looking at him in the photo, with a faint smile. She’s blond with long hair and look sweet, maybe Swedish.

Then I show up at R. D sees me and look at me uneasy. “He’s here!” he says pointing discreetly toward H on the upper level with his head. H is with the girl. “Oh I won’t stay then” I say. He obviously didn’t see me yet but D adds; “I think he sensed your presence.”

In another scene I somehow find out who she is and break into her room to find out more about the situation. When she shows up I make up a story about me being new to her school and in need of some updates on assignments. I’m not sure why I lie about being a student nor why I’m so good at pretending I’m someone else. Her face and hair color change as we keep talking. I realize she seems very nice but only in a recent, unsettled relationship with him. She seems nice, I feel sad for her, but mostly I feel  alone.

Lastly, I’m at the club again. I’m sitting with J at a table, somehow H is siting next to me, but we don’t really talk to each other. I don’t look at him. Suddenly a girl with black hair appears on the top of the room, almost naked, her clothes wet and uncovering her chest. She throws a bucket of ice water down. More water comes down. Me and H get up in a panic, I get soaked. I go outside to avoid getting more wet. There are a lot of people standing outside the club, relaxing. I walk among them, worry about what I look like. H disappeared. I decide to go back in. I look for him inside the club but can’t see him. Suddenly he comes behind me and grabs me. He puts his arms around my shoulders and attempt to climb me like a kid wanting a piggy-ride on your back. He’s so tall I’m having a hard time not stumbling and properly holding him up. But then I settle and remember how slender and lightweight he is. So I stabilize and lock his legs around my arms and start walking, carrying that giant skinny 26 years old on my back. His face is next to mine; “Where are you going?” he asks. “I dunno” I say. “Where do you wanna go?” I ask. I keep walking carrying him on my back among the people in the club and wonder how long I can keep this up and why I should? When I see our group of friends and stop, I’d like them to see what’s going on because I don’t really understand it myself, and would like to make sure someone is actually witnessing this insanity.

Dream of dance, stairs and a wedding.

I’m with H, my hair is longer and in my face. We’re walking together as a couple in the reception but we’re not really together in my mind. He’s well groom and wears sunglasses. We’re at a wedding. We go down some white stairs when a man stops us and show us some dance move you can do going up and down the stairs. H dances backward down the stairs; “like this”. Somebody helps me down the stairs, H walks toward me saying; “I told you if you get dress like Harry Taylor we’d get a divorce.” I’m not sure to understand the joke which sounded more like something D would say.  I think something is wrong with my outfit but not sure what. I leave and get lost in that giant multi floor building. I try to find my way back to H but I think I’m lost and might not find my way back to that reception room.

Old Acquaintance dream

I was coming back from a futuristic attraction park where I spent time with a tall skinny boy (a stranger), we took a ride on a super slow train where only our photos were taken but the final were touched up with special effect so that we looked like the cat people from avatar, I was smiling and having a good time.

Then I’m home in Italy in the addict cleaning up stuff when I see P walking in. He takes something in a chest and is about to leave when I call him up; “hey! Would it kill you to say hello?!”. He comes back, embarrassed holding a table cloth with him. “I didn’t know what to say to you”, “would it kill you to say hi?” I repeat. “Hi” He says. We argue a little then he tells me he’s looking for things to prove he had a visa, anything, including this tablecloth, where he signed the papers. I don’t see how that can possibly help but I tell him he can have it anyway.

Another Dream of you

Two dreams following each other, in each I’m wondering if this is real. We’re in an old building, sitting and watching a movie. You look comfortable and look at me like you used to. I do not move, I do not want to innitiate anything. But you kiss me, it feels good and I wonder if this is real or not. I awoke, went back to a light sleep. We are on a trip, my mom is here, your friend is here, you sneaked out to find me in my room, we’re snuggling under the blanket. I help you get dress, it’s cold outside. When your friend arrives she states the obvious, “so you’re back together”, and I smile, but I don’t know if it’s real. We looked at a large drawing I made, you recognize the scene.

“The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated. And the only thing people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t love enough. Nothing else really counts at all.”
~ Ted Hughes

The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated. And the only thing people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t love enough. Nothing else really counts at all.”

~ Ted Hughes

Post Mortem

I walk in his room. It’s his room, his bed, but it’s not real. It’s much bigger than his room is in reality. I see the package I left for him in a corner, it’s the birthday and xmass gifts I got for him. The 2 biggest, carefully wrapped packages are paintings. I open the smallest one, it’s a necklace I bought him, with a nice green stone, I know it will look good on him. I untangle the leather rope around my finger and look at the nice stone. He didn’t open the packages yet, they’ve been laying here for days. The guilt. I’m exhausted, I lay on his bed when he walks in. “Did you came here to take your things?”. I don’t know anymore all I want is sleep. He bends over me. I grab tight on his hair and pull it. We start fucking. 

Last night

I hear the doorbell ring, I open the door. It’s you, you’re smiling like you used to. You come in and kiss me, as if everything is going to be ok.

Then I woke up.

La Fete

There is an outdoor party. A giant table where more and more people are gathering. They made hot pot. They pass the plates joyfully around. I’m sitting at the table, when my mom tells me to keep a seat next to me for H. But more people squeeze in, young people I know, and I end up walking away. I leave my cellphone on the table, and go look for H. There are tons of people laughing and drinking.

As I look around, I see Emily Browning walking toward me, she’s beautifully tiny and she wears a long silky pale rose colored dress. She’s also looking for H. I take her hand and we go look for him together. My mind keeps telling me when we do find him I must kiss him hello before she does.

Emily is radiant, but her eyes are heavy, she’s falling asleep as we’re walking. She’s petite enough, as her head falls down I grab her and carry her in my arms. My right arm hold her round shoulders, my left arm is under her knees.

I see a house which door is open, I walk in, there is a nice bed. I delicately let go of Emily onto the bed, her dress slightly uncovers her knees, and I think they look beautiful. She moans; “I’m cold, where is the blanket”. I undo the bed and wrap her up to her head in two blankets and a sheet. She smiles, eyes closed. She asks me to turn the lights off.

I turn all the lights off but one of them is on a stand with lots of plugs here and there, I can’t seem to find the right one to pull out. When I finally manage to get the room dark enough I walk out. A man walks in, this must be his house. I put my finger in front of my mouth and shush him to be quiet. We do not want to wake Emily. I walk out.

The party is still raging, and I’m wondering how come H is so late. I go back toward the table and see my cellphone. Maybe I should just call, he could be anywhere right now, and there are way too many people in this garden party to actually spot him.

At that moment I was awaken by a tiny cry coming from the bathroom.